I have questions. I wanted them answered. Please?
What is 31 going to look like?
What is everyone else doing when I'm doing NOTHING?
How long could I really go without talking? I mean, not speaking a word. Total silence.
I am I ever going to get the privilege, the joy, the blessing of becoming a mom?
Do I even want to anymore?
If I could only use my notes, or do a study guide before the test, maybe I would have a better shot at answering these questions. Maybe there's a Cliff's Notes book on my life hiding out somewhere. A shortcut to get through the hard stuff and shoot straight to the good stuff. I'd even settle for stealing the answers offline and faking it like the rest of the world. Then maybe I could post all the fluff and brag like everyone else. I doubt it. I wonder if people know I'm asking these questions to myself all the time. ALL THE TIME. When I'm staring at you at work because we're all standing around and I'm "listening" to conversations, I'm looking straight at your face and I'm asking how I got here. When am I ever going to get out? When I'm driving in my car and I'm staring off into the distance instead of staring at the light or oncoming traffic like I'm supposed to, I'm asking what's next? Even when I close my eyes and pretend to sleep, I just lay there...and wonder. Wonder about that next chapter. When this one will be over and I can finally turn the page to where the main character reaches an epiphany and takes a deep breath of realization that everything is going to be ok. I wait, everyday. I wait, I pray, and I ask questions. So much I would like to tell myself to shutup, because frankly I don't have any answers. NONE.
I know He has all the answers. He knows everything that has happened and everything that will happen. He has a plan set out for me and knows each step I will take. So I, the stubborn girl who is tugging on the shirt sleeve begging Him to "Tell me! Tell me! I want to know what happens next!!!", will sit quietly. Patiently. And wait.
It's hard to wait. I'm a want it now, get it now, do it now. I'm sitting in the waiting room of life and I see everyone I know getting called in to be seen, and I just sit there. Maybe my name is being called and I don't hear it. Maybe I'm missing my appointment. Then again maybe I'm not. Maybe it's just not my turn. I'm so happy for everyone else. I can do that. I can look outside myself and be happy for everyone who is moving onward and upward. I can't wait. I can't wait until it's my turn. Those are two places I'd love to go. I'm sure it's coming. I'll just wait a little while longer.
Oh, I have one more question....
Why am I blogging if it's all just depressing, mundane ridiculousness? Oh yeah, because no one reads this anyway.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I wonder....
...if I am really losing weight, because scales are against my religion.
...if I will ever be over all that medicine.
...when it won't hurt anymore.
...why I don't realize MORE often that I am so truly blessed in so many ways by so many people.
My pants are falling down, and I feel so much better. Who cares if I'm losing weight. Now If I could only run every other day like I used to.
I'm sick of being the girl who cries to others and has a sad story to share whenever one of my friends or family is dumb enough to ask. Stop asking. Or maybe I should stop with my pity party.
I wonder if that's what all this "stuff" is about. The ever-changing hair color, the makeup, the reinventing through piercing.... All exterior repairs to
cover the emptiness inside.
...if I will ever be over all that medicine.
...when it won't hurt anymore.
...why I don't realize MORE often that I am so truly blessed in so many ways by so many people.
My pants are falling down, and I feel so much better. Who cares if I'm losing weight. Now If I could only run every other day like I used to.
I'm sick of being the girl who cries to others and has a sad story to share whenever one of my friends or family is dumb enough to ask. Stop asking. Or maybe I should stop with my pity party.
I wonder if that's what all this "stuff" is about. The ever-changing hair color, the makeup, the reinventing through piercing.... All exterior repairs to
cover the emptiness inside.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Well, THIS girl is a lame blogger....
9 months later? Really????
That's what happens when you think you've got everything under control (Ha!) and you don't need extra help or support from anyone or anything.
Again....what was I thinking? Every time there's an event or occurrence, that little voice goes through my head, "hey, you should blog about this. It's your journal. It's an expression of your feelings. It's your outlet. Get on the computer. Or your iPad lazy pants!"
Well, I ignored that annoying voice EVERYTIME...so even if you don't care, here's an update:
1. I was doing well after the NY trip...feeling great. Rejuvenated, motivated, healthy, happy, and wise.
2. I started dating someone *for the first time since my ex left, and was having a great time.
None of that lasted very long; the avalanche came soon after. Question is, why didn't I see it coming?
3. I wasted 3 months on someone who was emotionally unavailable, or in his words, "not even sure he ever wants to be in a relationship again." ummm.......then what are we doing?
4. Had a panic attack at work after enough mud was slung to fill up a pig pen. I LOATHE trash talkers.
5. I got sick. I mean SICK. I got illness on top of illness on top of illness. I was bedridden all summer and basically had zero immune system. Along with zero energy, zero appetite, zero will to live.
Lord, please let that have been my lowest point. I don't want to ever be there again.
So, another year (another birthday) has passed, and they say you get older and wiser. I guess. I do feel wiser. When I look back at what I've been through in the past few years and how much stronger it's made me, I simply marvel at my ability to not give up. Where did that come from? I was the girl who buckled at the slightest show of anything painful or stressful. But I'm here. I'm still standing. God's not finished with me yet.
After having quite the celebration in all things sinful and glutenous, I decided to start a cleanse today. It cost me a pretty penny, but I needed to do something. Between my injury, my illnesses, and my medication, I have failed my body in the worst way. I need to fix this. So for the next thirty days I am going to detox, cleanse, exercise, and pray. I am going to be my main focus, and I am going to make me a priority. I'm hoping to fit into some jeans that have some cobwebs on them, sure, but more importantly I want to sleep through the night, eat healthier meals, have energy, and feel human again.
I can't wait. Long gone will be the days of waking up depressed or lonely or unmotivated. I have an amazing roommate who is a great spiritual and healthy support system, I have friends at work who have shown their loyalty, and I have a God who never leaves my side. I will not take any of this for granted. I will try my best every day. AND I will keep you posted....I am a Lucky Girl.
That's what happens when you think you've got everything under control (Ha!) and you don't need extra help or support from anyone or anything.
Again....what was I thinking? Every time there's an event or occurrence, that little voice goes through my head, "hey, you should blog about this. It's your journal. It's an expression of your feelings. It's your outlet. Get on the computer. Or your iPad lazy pants!"
Well, I ignored that annoying voice EVERYTIME...so even if you don't care, here's an update:
1. I was doing well after the NY trip...feeling great. Rejuvenated, motivated, healthy, happy, and wise.
2. I started dating someone *for the first time since my ex left, and was having a great time.
None of that lasted very long; the avalanche came soon after. Question is, why didn't I see it coming?
3. I wasted 3 months on someone who was emotionally unavailable, or in his words, "not even sure he ever wants to be in a relationship again." ummm.......then what are we doing?
4. Had a panic attack at work after enough mud was slung to fill up a pig pen. I LOATHE trash talkers.
5. I got sick. I mean SICK. I got illness on top of illness on top of illness. I was bedridden all summer and basically had zero immune system. Along with zero energy, zero appetite, zero will to live.
Lord, please let that have been my lowest point. I don't want to ever be there again.
So, another year (another birthday) has passed, and they say you get older and wiser. I guess. I do feel wiser. When I look back at what I've been through in the past few years and how much stronger it's made me, I simply marvel at my ability to not give up. Where did that come from? I was the girl who buckled at the slightest show of anything painful or stressful. But I'm here. I'm still standing. God's not finished with me yet.
After having quite the celebration in all things sinful and glutenous, I decided to start a cleanse today. It cost me a pretty penny, but I needed to do something. Between my injury, my illnesses, and my medication, I have failed my body in the worst way. I need to fix this. So for the next thirty days I am going to detox, cleanse, exercise, and pray. I am going to be my main focus, and I am going to make me a priority. I'm hoping to fit into some jeans that have some cobwebs on them, sure, but more importantly I want to sleep through the night, eat healthier meals, have energy, and feel human again.
I can't wait. Long gone will be the days of waking up depressed or lonely or unmotivated. I have an amazing roommate who is a great spiritual and healthy support system, I have friends at work who have shown their loyalty, and I have a God who never leaves my side. I will not take any of this for granted. I will try my best every day. AND I will keep you posted....I am a Lucky Girl.
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