I have questions. I wanted them answered. Please?
What is 31 going to look like?
What is everyone else doing when I'm doing NOTHING?
How long could I really go without talking? I mean, not speaking a word. Total silence.
I am I ever going to get the privilege, the joy, the blessing of becoming a mom?
Do I even want to anymore?
If I could only use my notes, or do a study guide before the test, maybe I would have a better shot at answering these questions. Maybe there's a Cliff's Notes book on my life hiding out somewhere. A shortcut to get through the hard stuff and shoot straight to the good stuff. I'd even settle for stealing the answers offline and faking it like the rest of the world. Then maybe I could post all the fluff and brag like everyone else. I doubt it. I wonder if people know I'm asking these questions to myself all the time. ALL THE TIME. When I'm staring at you at work because we're all standing around and I'm "listening" to conversations, I'm looking straight at your face and I'm asking how I got here. When am I ever going to get out? When I'm driving in my car and I'm staring off into the distance instead of staring at the light or oncoming traffic like I'm supposed to, I'm asking what's next? Even when I close my eyes and pretend to sleep, I just lay there...and wonder. Wonder about that next chapter. When this one will be over and I can finally turn the page to where the main character reaches an epiphany and takes a deep breath of realization that everything is going to be ok. I wait, everyday. I wait, I pray, and I ask questions. So much I would like to tell myself to shutup, because frankly I don't have any answers. NONE.
I know He has all the answers. He knows everything that has happened and everything that will happen. He has a plan set out for me and knows each step I will take. So I, the stubborn girl who is tugging on the shirt sleeve begging Him to "Tell me! Tell me! I want to know what happens next!!!", will sit quietly. Patiently. And wait.
It's hard to wait. I'm a want it now, get it now, do it now. I'm sitting in the waiting room of life and I see everyone I know getting called in to be seen, and I just sit there. Maybe my name is being called and I don't hear it. Maybe I'm missing my appointment. Then again maybe I'm not. Maybe it's just not my turn. I'm so happy for everyone else. I can do that. I can look outside myself and be happy for everyone who is moving onward and upward. I can't wait. I can't wait until it's my turn. Those are two places I'd love to go. I'm sure it's coming. I'll just wait a little while longer.
Oh, I have one more question....
Why am I blogging if it's all just depressing, mundane ridiculousness? Oh yeah, because no one reads this anyway.
