She reminded me of some realizations she gave me when we first met. Well it is true what they say, you can't have any idea what anyone is talking about until you are going through it. When she gave me these tidbits of knowledge I couldn't even imagine any of it. I couldn't picture it. I wasn't there yet. I told her I didn't even remember what she told me. So she refreshed my memory:
"When you're getting a divorce, no matter how hard they try not to, people treat you differently. They look at you differently. All of a sudden you'll notice the invitations stop coming. You become the oddball, the 5th wheel, the Debbie Downer, even if it's not how YOU feel at all. You'll lose some friends you have and you'll gain ones you never thought you'd meet."
WOW. Has she been living in my skin the past few months? She was talking about everything I've been feeling. It's no one's fault. They're not doing it on purpose. Just like I didn't get a manual on how to deal with all this, either did they. I get the pouty face "are you ok"'s, the "get over it, you're fine"'s, and the "what's wrong with you?"....That's the best one. As if I don't feel like a freak 24 hours a day, I've got someone who confirms it with that little tasty nugget.
My friends and family love me. I feel it. Even though my wall is up and my heart is hurting, I feel it. But let's be honest. It's the holidays. It's time for friends and family and parties and presents and traditions and HAPPY times. No one wants to invite the "divorced girl who will come alone" to couples things, and for sure she's not going to want to come to the "happy traditional family events". I don't blame them. My heart's not there. Christmas can SUCK IT this year. And that's not fair to put on anyone else. So this gal is leaving. Leaving on a jet plane. Going across the country. Far far away from sad memories, lonely houses, empty drawers, dark rooms, early bedtimes, hours upon hours of silence.
I am so lucky to have the people in my life (who WANT to be in my life) I do. I am so so so lucky. I just wish I felt like I was someone people wanted around.
