I'm dreaming.....

I never want to forget this moment. I'm sitting in this warm mountain house. Staring outside at my first white Christmas. The world outside seems so silent. So serene. A blanket of fresh new snow to cover all the dirt and ugliness.

I woke up this morning across the country, spending much needed quiet time with God. I thanked him for the glorious gift of his son and for the amazing blessings of my family and friends. I feel calm, quiet, and at peace. Today I am not alone. Today I am healthy and rich in friendship. I am Lucky.


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Location:NC

He Giveth and Taketh Away....

So I was talking to my divorce guru today.  Well talking is an understatement; maybe I was spilling my guts.  I was telling her about being at my wits end.  I feel like I've hit the bottom of a deep pit and no matter how close I am to the next hill to climb, I refuse to move.  And the longer my frustration and depression sets in, the deeper I start to sink in this mud pit. 

She reminded me of some realizations she gave me when we first met.  Well it is true what they say, you can't have any idea what anyone is talking about until you are going through it.  When she gave me these tidbits of knowledge I couldn't even imagine any of it.  I couldn't picture it.  I wasn't there yet.  I told her I didn't even remember what she told me.  So she refreshed my memory:

"When you're getting a divorce, no matter how hard they try not to, people treat you differently.  They look at you differently.  All of a sudden you'll notice the invitations stop coming.  You become the oddball, the 5th wheel, the Debbie Downer, even if it's not how YOU feel at all.  You'll lose some friends you have and you'll gain ones you never thought you'd meet."

WOW.  Has she been living in my skin the past few months?  She was talking about everything I've been feeling.  It's no one's fault.  They're not doing it on purpose.  Just like I didn't get a manual on how to deal with all this, either did they.  I get the pouty face "are you ok"'s, the "get over it, you're fine"'s, and the "what's wrong with you?"....That's the best one.  As if I don't feel like a freak 24 hours a day, I've got someone who confirms it with that little tasty nugget. 

My friends and family love me.  I feel it.  Even though my wall is up and my heart is hurting, I feel it.  But let's be honest.  It's the holidays.  It's time for friends and family and parties and presents and traditions and HAPPY times.  No one wants to invite the "divorced girl who will come alone" to couples things, and for sure she's not going to want to come to the "happy traditional family events".  I don't blame them.  My heart's not there.  Christmas can SUCK IT this year.  And that's not fair to put on anyone else.  So this gal is leaving.  Leaving on a jet plane.  Going across the country.  Far far away from sad memories, lonely houses, empty drawers, dark rooms, early bedtimes, hours upon hours of silence. 

I am so lucky to have the people in my life (who WANT to be in my life) I do.  I am so so so lucky.  I just wish I felt like I was someone people wanted around.

Happy Thanksevening!

I ate turkey 4 days in a row.  I drove over 300 miles in one day.  I worked 6 closing shifts at Job #2.  I made it through my first of the big holidays.

It wasn't what I pictured.  It wasn't how I've ever spent Thanksgiving, but in the words of my therapist, "Start new traditions" right?  Right.  Instead of being with the family you've spent the last 29 Thanksgivings with, hang out with some friends and their families.  Nevermind all the couples and kids you  keep staring at.  We ate all day, lounged in front of the TV, giggled with the kids, made a mess in the kitchen, and ate until we moaned in pain.  I felt welcomed, and loved, and somehow I felt I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  I was only sorry that I had to leave due to Job #2. 

Job #2 has been on my mind a lot lately.  I love it.  I don't need it.  I don't HAVE to have it.  Well, don't get me wrong, the extra money helps and it definitely gave me something to do to avoid lonely nights.  I've just noticed that I'm not giving 100% to either job, and my body and mind just can't handle the full load.  I gave my two weeks notice yesterday.  It was the hardest 2 small paragraphs I've ever written.  I cried for a minute before printing my letter.  Sitting alone at my computer, staring at those words, I thought about all the amazing people I've met and all the friendships I've gained.  I know that place inside and out, I helped open it.  It's my second family.  Sometimes it's even easier to face than Job #1.  I wondered why it was so hard for me to let go.  I know it would relieve me of some stress and give me a little bit more free time, but I realized it was just another thing I was changing.  So much change.  Is anything going to stay the same?  Is anything supposed to?  Shouldn't I be used to change by now?

Even though the day is over, I'm still thankful for so much.  I'm thankful for my friends who make me feel like family.  I'm thankful for a warm house to call my very own.  I'm thankful for my understanding parents who aren't pressuring me when I tell them I don't want to celebrate any holidays this year.  I'm thankful for gravy....on EVERYTHING.  I'm thankful for the 2 years and 4 months and all the memories I've had at Job #2.  I'm thankful that I made it through Thanksgiving. 

1 year ago.....

1 year ago, the weather was getting colder.
1 year ago, I had stopped eating.
1 year ago, I smiled everyday...but it was always fake.
1 year ago, I felt my world falling apart.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday, but more often than not, it feels like a year ago.  
They say you never forget your 30th birthday, and they're right.  This is the year I will never forget.  My life is forever changed.  I never thought I'd be the girl who was getting divorced and alone.  I never thought I'd be the girl who was fighting to save her house and figuring out how to pay every bill on her own.  I never thought I'd lose the friends I did and meet the ones I love now.  I never thought my grandmother would die, and my family would grow stronger and more loving than ever before.  I never...

But that's what this year brought.  God always has a way of making you do your "nevers" (a smart and beautifully tall friend told me that once).  I've been stronger, and weaker, than I ever thought I was.  I have relied on my parents more and confided in them like best friends.  I have shared my feelings openly when before I just smiled on the surface.  I've gone to therapy, and gained a renewed, stronger, and powerful relationship with God.  He and I have had some great times together, but this year was my test.  I'm sure not the first, and definitely not the last.  But the first where I gave it all to him.  The first test where I relied on His strength and His guidance and not my own.  It was time to be patient.  It was time to give Him control.

In October, with physical and mental strength that I didn't know I had, I competed the Volkslauf competition in my town.  It is a 5k with about 2.5 miles of running through rough, rocky, dusty trails and about 20 or so INSANELY difficult Marine Corps style obstacles.  It was no doubt the most physically trying, mentally draining, and hysterically fun day I've ever spent waist deep in the mud with friends.  It was the hardest task to complete, but I did it.  Looking back, I'm amazed I made it through every time.  When describing the course and what emotions I was going through at every moment to my amazing therapist, she was in awe of what toll it took on both my body and my mind.  She saw it (as I did) as a metaphor for my life this past year.  A lot of tough, uphill climbs, combined with deep, muddy pits full of thick sludge.  She suggested I journal about it.  She says it helps. I am a firm believer in ANYTHING that helps these days.  I'm not a paper and pen type of girl (who is these days?) so I thought, "Hey, start a blog!? No one will read it.  No one will care.  But even if one person does, and it matters to them....I've done something great."  It feels amazing just getting my thoughts down where I can read them.

So, if you choose to follow my blog...I can't promise it'll always be happy and cheerful.  I can't promise that I'll never be sad.  But I can promise that I will always be honest and sincere.  This is my life.  Join me...for the uphills, the downhills, the 8ft walls, the mudpits, and the finish line.....I may not be creative, I may not be perfect...but I know...I'm Lucky.